Protectors of the Plot Continuum: Matrix Division
by The Burning Dumpster
Summary: Achren, a PPC agent with a love for Smith, and Obsidian, a former Original Character of the Continuum, have come - to hunt Mary-Sues, and rid the canon of lusting fangirls! (Don't take it personally, we're just poking fun)
1. Prologue

We thought a short explanation might be in order…

The PPC- the Protectors of the Plot Continuum- were started a few years ago by agents Jay and Acacia, who worked in the LotR fandom, Mary-Sue division. Their job: find and kill Mary-Sues infesting Arda and mangling the canon characters to suit their hormones- er, whims.

Since then, it grew: more divisions (the Implausible Crossovers, the Troll Division, Intelligence, and much, much more), and it grew in other fandoms as well- Star Trek, Harry Potter, and eventually- The Matrix.   

And it's all in good fun, dear readers. And if it's your story we're PPCing- well, take a look in the criticism throughout the story. See if you can see why we're doing it…oh, and if you do decide to flame, please write something more interesting then "uR mean! screw u!!!11!" (I mean, decent flames are most amusing. Is it so much to ask for, really?) 

Well, onward and sideways… 


	2. New Destiny

The Matrix Trilogy is the genius creation of the Wachowki brothers, whom we worship. 'New Destiny' was written by AvalancheZG, and we don't want it. The PPC and Upstairs belongs to Jay and Acacia, The D.O.R.K.s belongs to Saphie and Andy of 'Suedom', and are used with permission. 

Oy, people: be advised, and take care- spoilers for 'Reloaded'. 

BTW: 'Achren' is pronounced like Scottish "Loch", not like in "cheese". 

Reviews are coveted, and flames will be used for roasting marshmellows (sugar is good).

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It was a room. A middle-sized room, quite cluttered with computers (some broken or dissembled), various firearms, an office desk and some chairs, and a few metal closets. There was also an unusual amount of shelves, on which rested, as one of the occupants had once stated "about half the trash in the world". 

It also, at the moment, contained an argument. 

"Achren! Turn up the heat! It's freezing in here!"

"Then go bake yourself elsewhere. I'm not sweating for you." The figure sitting at the desk didn't even bother lifting her eyes to her irritated companion. 

Obsidian took a deep breath. "I'm not asking you to sweat. Raising the temperature by one or two degrees is NOT going to make you run for more deodorant!"

Now Achren did look up. "One or Two? Hah! The second I'll turn my back, you'll turn the place into a furnace! Put on another shirt. 'Sides, quit whining already, it's not so cold in here."

"Look, I spent the best years of my life freezing my ass off in a bucket of bolts! I'm not spending another day like that if I can do anything about it!" she spat back, bunching fists and towering over Achren. 

Achren raised her hands in the air. "Pity party over here, folks! Again, deary, quit crying. No-one's impressed. And put on a shirt! You walk around like THAT, no wonder you're cold!" She returned her eyes to her book. 

"Aw, bugger off! I can't believe you want me to wear a sweater!" Obsidian said, half laughing at the very thought of it, "do you have any idea how much more comfortable tank tops are? Hell no!"

"You'd sooner be cold? Nice priorities you have there. And as for that particular tank-top..."a raised eyebrow, "Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed." 

Achren's partner briefly glanced down at her tank top, a rather loose one that had no back, and glared back, unable to find a response. "Femme maudite, tabernac!" she swore, stalking away to her room.

Achren smirked at her book. 

And then, of course…

[BEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPP!]

"Bloody hell."

Obsidian froze just as she entered her room, and craned her neck to see the Alarm. "Not again."

Achren sighed as she dragged herself off the chair and put her book aside "Well, let's look on the bright side. Hopefully, we get to kill a Sue. Who's turn is it?" 

"By my count, it's mine, and...Merde. She's dead." Obsidian replied, scanning the Words that had been automatically brought up for their examination. "She removed Trinity from the canon so that she could nab Neo. This one's going to be SUCH a headache to fix...."

"She canceled Trinity? Lovely. What next, she's Morpheus's love child"? Achren asked sourly, coming to stand behind Obsidian. 

The former rebel withheld a snicker, awaiting Achen's reaction. "Even better. She's the daughter of everyone's favorite Agent." Knowing that Archen would probably demand to be allowed to kill this Sue, she skipped away to the Portal Generator, quipping, "Too late! I called it!"

"WHAT?!" Achren spent a moment scanning he words. Then she smiled- not a very happy smile. "You do realize that if you let her off easily I will try on you all the lovely ways I could be rid of her?"

"Duly noted. Now let's get this show on the road and kick her ass."

Obsidian stopped quickly at one of the many shelves filled with books that was in the room, and tugged on one. The bookshelf flipped around, revealing an assortment of weapons, from which she nabbed a gun and a pair of sunglasses.

Achren, who moved to program their disguises, asked, "Agent wear or Rebel wear?" 

Obsidian paused to think about their options for a second. "Well...as much as I'd rather wear my old getup, we should probably go as Agents. She is a Rebel after all, and we might as well stay in canon," she suggested, shuddering slightly. It still bothered her immensely that she had to pretend to be an Agent. She hated them almost as much as she hated Sues.

Achren shrugged, then programmed the appropriate attire for female Agents (as decided by Upstairs, as there were no female Agents in canon)- skirts, linen shirts, ties and jackets. Once that was done, she asked, "Where are we going in?" 

"Hmmm..." Obsidian pondered out loud, drumming her fingers on the shelf. "Are you fine with portalling in where she first meets Neo? Saves us a lot of nasty scene transitions."

Achren nodded absently, glancing back at the display and grimacing at what she saw. "Not a problem. Hey, what's up with Neo?"

Obsidian checked the Words and raised an eyebrow. "I have no idea. He just...passes out randomly and gets headaches? Must be a side-effect from the Sue's presence."

"Charming," Achren remarked dryly. She strode over to the weapons shelf and grabbed a remote portal activator and a gun. "Let's go. One random remote building...coming right up."

"Tally ho." With that, Obsidian grabbed her sunglasses and a Desert Eagle gun for herself, and waited for her partner to fire up the portal.

"Tally ho indeed."

The Agents portalled into a building. Dark, abandoned, generally the feeling was threatening. The air was very cold, to add to the eerie environment needed to increase the Sue's appearance of vulnerability. It was also something that disagreed with Obsidian's temperament a great deal.

"Why the hell did she have to write that it's so damn cold!" she half-complained, half-commented. Even in the Agent garb (which was certainly less skimpy than her previous outfit), she felt like she had walked into the Arctic Circle.

Achren was about to answer, but was interrupted by the Sue's voice, addressing Neo. As one, the agents put on their sunglasses, and turned to look at the couple. 

"Um... Is that you, Neo?" Corrine's voice echoed in the desolate place. Neo turned around, ignoring the pain in his head.

"No! Say no, Neo! Fight it! Tell her you're John Smith! Thomas Anderson! Anything!" Obsidian whispered quietly, wishing that she could just yell it out right now and end this. She focused her sight on Neo and blinked her left eye three times.

The blinking motion activated one of the programs Makes-Things had embedded into their sunglasses. Along with the standard Character Analysis, the sunglasses also displayed a lot of other neat things about the character being scanned, like their pulse, body temperature, and (for some reason) what colour their aura was.

[Neo. Canon Character. The One. 73% Out of character. Character rupture imminent.]

"Yeah." Apparently, the One had a "mesmerizing" voice. It was quite amusing to see the Sue stiffen up as he spoke, as well as the glassy look that appeared in her eyes. Not that the Agents were much comforted.

They continued to watch the brief exchange between the Sue and Neo. Within minutes, Neo climbed aboard his motorcycle and promptly fainted for no reason. Blood began to appear out of nowhere (and yet it was everywhere - the author hadn't specified where Neo was bleeding from, so the canon got confused). Obsidian facepalmed.

"The One meant to destroy the Matrix and save humanity...rendered KO by _nothing_. I mean, she didn't even give a _reason_. No, he just randomly collapsed."

"And you'll notice his condition is never addressed again. Just the Sue's," Achren growled. The Agents listened to the conversation between Tank and Corrine. Apparently Tank, who had the rebels on heart, respiration, and brainwaves monitors, needed Corrine to tell him what happened to Neo.

Achren's partner smirked, before donning a vague impression of the Sue's voice. "And I'm just so easy to mix up with Neo over the phone! You can't tell our voices apart! Yea right."

"Poor Tank," Achren said, before shrugging it off. "Oh well." Corrine sat down on the cold hard floor, cradling Neo to her, calling for him to wake up. Then, out of thin air, the others appeared- Apoc and Switch, and with them Morpheus and Cypher. Somehow, they managed to carry all the equipment needed to take a person out of the Matrix, nevermind that it was at least three computers, quite a few wires and electrodes, and several body monitors.   
  
Obsidian did a double take before she realized this. "What...the hell?" she said, "What did they do, use Harry Potter fandom magic to shrink their equipment so it fits in a handbag?"

"Sense. Logic. Sue. Do you truly expect them to connect at a certain point?"

"Not really." Obsidian did her best to still ignore the fact that Trinity no longer existed, and settled her eyes on Morpheus. Not only was he 40% out of character according to her sunglasses, his current favorite colour was apparently florescent pink. She was about to elaborate further on why Sue Logic sucked when something in the upcoming Words caught her eye. 

"Oh crap. Get ready for an eyesore," she warned.

"Huh?" Then, due to the fact that the author apparently couldn't tell the difference between "lay" and "laid", they were treated to the sight of something which an in-character Morpheus simply wouldn't do with an unconscious man. "Aurgh". 

Obsidian's face burned with anger as she fell into a slew of curses against the marring of not only the English language, but of Morpheus as well. Unable to bear the sight any longer, she turned away.

"Nom de Dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d'enculé de ta mère! T'es con! T'es morte! Tabernac!"

Morpheus, in the meantime, ignored the fact that Neo was bleeding on the floor, and instead crouched next to Corrine to give her a recruitment speech. 

"Now, tell me: what's wrong with _this _picture?" Achren growled. She didn't usually mind slash, to an extent, but this was one thing she didn't need to see. "Add making Morpheus have sex with an unconscious Neo to the charge list. Now quit swearing like some inbred sailor and check how OOC he is". 

"Fine," Obsidian replied, mentally reminding herself to add, "Creating abnormal atmospheric temperatures that annoy PPC agents" to the list as well. She carefully opened one eye and read the display on Morpheus' current state.

[Morpheus. Canon character. Captain of the Nebuchadnezzar. 80% Out of char - Error. Currently 45% Out of character. Currently craving ice cream.]

"Well, now that he's done having his quickie, he's at 45%."

Achren frowned. "Bad choice of words." They watched as Corrine, predictably, swallowed the red pill, then- inexplicably- lost consciousness. Again, for no reason whatsoever.

"There are so many things wrong with this story already. I don't know how we're going to deal with the rest." As Obsidian spoke, the pair went through a very wacky scene change due to poor formatting, and ended up on the Nebuchadnezzar with bad headaches.

"...Like that."

Thanks to the protection of the canon, they couldn't be noticed by the canon characters- but they could be noticed by the Sue. To enhance their disguises, Achren drew out a pink teddybear, and pressed what appeared to be it's left eye. After a busy 0.4 seconds, the Agents were dressed in rebel garb- loose and thready, in some cases torn, pants and shirts, and heavy boots. For some reason, Obsidian's shirt had "Bad girls Inc" on it. In any case, the rest of the canon would see them as 'other, newer crewmembers', the kind that tend to get inserted into fan-fiction all the time, and would ignore them.

After putting away their Disguise-Outfitting Ryticular Kostume System (which had transformed from a teddybear into video cassette), the two Agents slipped out of Corrine (who was now 'Shadow')'s cabin and observed the remainder of the Neb's crew, assessing the damage.

"I liked the fact that she- randomly- can't remember her name, or her 'former' life. Yet another case of "the Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name". Otherly known as the "pity me" plot device," Achren observed, "Unoriginal."

"Yea. As for the crew, Neo's definitely in the worst shape, but everyone's looking pretty bad," Obsidian remarked angrily, "I think we're about to settle into the "'rehash of the movie with Sue bonuses' bit."

Sure enough, Neo appeared, carrying Shadow in his arms, and placed her in one of the plug-in chairs so that she could be connected to the Construct. Obsidian walked over to where Tank was operating the simulation for Neo and Shadow in order to get a better look at what was going on. 

"Poor Neo's giving the Idiot's version of the Truth to her. Aww...look at her sob. It makes me happy!" she told Achren, gesturing to the nearest screen.

Achren grinned. "If you don't like the news, little one, then go out and make some". Her eyes unfocused as she looked at the Words. Then she shook her head with irritation. "Me and my big mouth. Watch it- next mood swing- six seconds!" 

The Agents watched as Shadow suddenly screamed at Neo to get away from her, and created a black hole into which she vanished. Achren snorted in disgust. "Black holes really suck. And look, the bint's another 'One'. Imagine that." 

In the meantime, Neo followed Shadow into a hedge maze. He could not break the code. It was unbreakable. Neo tried again. Still no result. Shadow must have to power to seal things together so that it wouldn't be broken. Neo gave up and walked towards the center, vaulting over hedges to save time.

"Riiiiight...she just 'happens' to know how to change things," Obsidian commented, "We don't know how, she just does. I know what she is doing - she's officially breaching canon. How hard is it to understand the concept of the number ONE, anyway?"

"The only 'One' a Sue understands is 'One true love.' Pardon, it's 'One truly true wub for evah and evah, my dearest insert-lust-interest here.'"

"With lots of exclamation points! oneoneone!" Obsidian added.

They watched Neo "vault" over the hedges, until he reached the center- where Shadow was curled up into a ball, either unconscious or asleep. "So, how come she can still manipulate the program? You need to see the program, you need to think about it, you have to be conscious. If she's asleep, her manipulations end!" Achren said.

"Even better, why didn't they just unplug her? It's not like they need her permission or anything."

"No, you have to be," Achren nearly spit out the word, "_dramatic_."

Obsidian nodded, sighing. Why did they always have to be so obsessed with drama that looked like it came from _As the World Turns_?

In the meantime, Shadow was unplugged from her chair, and she launched herself into Neo's arms after Dozer wanted to inject her with a tranquilizer. "I knew the crew had some sense in them. Guess this proves it." Obsidian commented.

"And Neo gets to 'save' her from them. Pardon me while I heave." They watched as Neo carried Shadow to her room, placed her on the bed, and- for some reason- sat down in the corner and immediately fell asleep. "And why is he sitting on the floor? Is there a lack in mattresses on the ship?" 

"No. Shadow just had to emphasize that Neo isn't important anymore. He's more like a cute stuffy that some kid prizes that gets tossed into a corner when he's not needed."

Luckily for them, "The next day" came after fifty seconds of sleep, a common flaw in a messed-up continuum. Obsidian resisted the urge to gag at all the ridiculous 'sentimental' jargon that eventually led up to Neo showing Shadow the mess hall.

"And now we see more of the movie ripped off," she continued, leaning against a nearby wall. This was getting boring fast.

"What is this?" Shadow asked curiously as Neo set a bowl of mush in front of her. Dozer looked up from his breakfast.

"That's a mix of everything the body needs."

Achren smirked. "Jellyfish: no brains, no nervous system, motivated by food." She gave the Sue a look. "Sounds like some people I know."

Obsidian bit on her lip as the Sue glanced at Achren - for just a second - before phasing back into the canon without a second look. "Wow. She must be _really _dense if she didn't notice that."

'Poor, innocent Shadow. She's a part of a war and she doesn't even know it.' Neo mused, looking at Shadow, who was playing around with her food. Obsidian laughed openly at the thought bubble with the sentence that appeared over Neo's head, as if he were in a cartoon. Bad formatting certainly made for funny continuum errors.

Achren rolled her eyes. "Innocence? Charming. And again, unoriginal. Not to mention the fact that if she somehow managed to miss the fact that they're at war, then "dumb" doesn't even begin to describe her." The agents watched bemusedly as Morpheus's head appeared in the room through the door (which didn't open), without the rest of his body. "Er, did she somehow miss that the door to the mass hall is always closed? You need to open the door first? And where's the rest of Morpheus?"

"It's wherever Trinity is, along with all the characters when they're not in use," Obsidian offered as an explanation, cringing at the sight. Seeing Morpheus' head just _floating_ around randomly without a body was almost as disturbing as watching him rape Neo. Almost.

"The Oracle."

"The who?" Shadow looked surprised. "The Oracle. She's very wise. She'll be able to show you the path." said the unattributed voice, which came out sounding like a voice-over from a PBS 'Nature' series.

"Tell us who's talking! And start a new paragraph when someone else talks!" Obsidian demanded, shaking her fist.

Achren sighed. Then the agents braced themselves as the scene changed- suddenly Neo and 'company' were at the "Heart O' the city hotel". How Neo managed to acquire a 'basic military unit' was a mystery, but the agents merely shrugged it off. There was worse than being faced with some healthy and muscular young men, after all. 

The two fiddled with their D.O.R.K.S. again (which eventually decided to disguise itself as a hot water bottle) to alter their disguises once more. Because Obsidian kept insisting that Agents couldn't really walk into the Oracle's apartment (and partly because dressing like one still disturbed her), they settled on donning rebel wear - tight leather pants, combat-style boots, leather trenchcoats, and yet another skimpy top for Obsidian.

Because the canon was so whacked up at this point, they didn't have any trouble following Shadow and Neo to the Oracle's apartment, and caught up with them just in time to hear Shadow 'innocently' ask if the Priestess was the Oracle.

"Well, it ain't Santa Claus, although I wouldn't be surprised if she mistook her for him," Obsidian said snarkily, watching as Shadow was led into the Oracle's kitchen. The two Agents slipped into the hallway and eavesdropped on Shadow's interview just outside the Oracle's kitchen, hidden partially by the strings of beads hanging in the doorway. 

"So, you're Shadow. No wonder he likes you. So smart, brilliant, beautiful, and of course, with a fighting spirit. I like that." Achren absently wondered how OOC the Oracle was. A look at her murderous-looking partner, whose glare was visible even through the black shades, convinced her that it's better not to know. Obsidian alleviated the pain of watching the Oracle's character be decimated by quipping lines that were 'interpretations' of the Oracle's words.

"She means 'honey, you're a Mary Sue.'"

The Oracle turned to face Shadow. "You'll face tough times, kid."

"Just wait until all those Trinity fans are through with you! Not to mention _us_!" 

"It'll be hard."

"You ain't seen nothing yet, Sue." Achren contributed.

"Neo's gonna need your help."

Achren snorted. "Like a hole in the head."

And don't mind about the vase." Shadow looked surprised.

"Which vase?"

"That vase." The Oracle replied as the vase fell. Shadow grabbed in a swift motion and replaced it on the table. The Oracle looked mildly surprised. Shadow could see that she had not predicted this. Defying fate was something she, Shadow, reveled in.

Completely flabbergasted, Obsidian just stared at Shadow with an open mouth. "Note to self: Add "Being pretentious and upstaging the _Oracle's_ all-knowing ability" to the charges. I can't believe this. She's the worst Sue I have _ever_ seen. I mean, at least most of them leave the Oracle pretty much alone! They just mangle her predictions so that they're not cryptic!"

"Did you add 'seriously pissing off PPC agents' to the charge list?" Achren asked.

"Yes." 

"Oh good."

"Neo will need your help to destroy the Matrix. You alone hold his fate."

As soon as she heard that line, Achren had to restrain herself from bursting into the room and smacking Shadow in the face. "Self-centered little- !"

Obsidian tugged at Achren's sleeve, trying her best to force her out of the apartment before she lost control. "It's almost time, relax," she pointed out, "and it's not coming a second too late. I really don't think I could stand trying to deal with her at the end of the fic, when she turns into a Shadow-Phoenix-Dragon thing..."

Achren froze in place. Then, slowly, she turned to face Obsidian. "She **shape-shifts**?" she echoed.

Obsidian nodded hesitantly. "Yes..."

The PPC Agent stared dumfounded at her partner's revelation, unable to comprehend it. "But...in order to shape-shift, she must desert her mental view of herself. In order to do _that_, she must have a shaky grasp of her body and appearance- which makes her psychotic, or at the very least, extremely unbalanced! People can't just shake off their perception of themselves!" Clearly, Achren wasn't buying it, at least not until she was shown proof that Shadow was clinically insane.

"Achren, this is a full-blown Mary Sue. They don't like 'following the rules' or logic, remember?" Achren merely grunted in response.

As they finished, Shadow returned from the kitchen with an attempt at an 'angsty-because-I-put-my-loved-ones-in-danger-because-they-need-my-help' face and met up with Neo again. Naturally, the face melted away once Neo was paying attention to her, essentially copying the One's angsty exit from the apartment.

"Mon Dieu. She's stealing Neo's bits left and right, and doing a bad job of imitating. I'll bet she gets to start the Lobby Scene too." Obsidian realized, frowning even more than she was before.

Achren looked at the Words and rolled her eyes. "She does. And she does it badly."

They followed the couple, suffering through yet another touchy-feely scene of Neo comforting Shadow, as suddenly, out of thin air, an agent appeared.

"Hoo boy," Obsidian said quietly, when she realized just _which_ Agent it was. She knew exactly how Achren was going to react to this one.

"Run!" Neo yelled to Shadow, who, apparently, had never seen or met an agent.

Shadow ran, but in the wrong direction. She ran towards the agent and enveloped him in a hug. Neo was shocked. Shadow turned to Neo, grinning.

"Neo, meet my dad." Shadow stood beside Agent Smith, holding on to his hand.

Achren took a deep breath. "Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised." She reached for her gun. "I'll charge her- how do you want to kill her?"

"Well...she seemed so bent on getting on board the Nebuchadnezzar, so it seems appropriate that she should die on board it. How about we drop her in the line of Cypher's EMP gun?" Obsidian suggested, grinning.

Achren shook her head. "Nice, but I have a better idea. What say we introduce her to some Squiddies while she's on the Neb?"

Obsidian's grin grew tenfold at the concept. "I like. Let's do it."

The agents marched over to where the happy little reunion was taking place, taking out their guns. Just for appearance sake. "Corrine Andreana Smith! You are hereby charged in - " Achren took a deep breath - "Being the worst Sue we've seen in a long time, making Obsidian cold and as such even harder to live with, creating massive and abrupt scene changes, making Neo OOC, making Morpheus OOC, making Morpheus rape Neo, making Neo ill for no reason then to make your character hold him," - she took another deep breath- "ripping off parts of the movie, stealing the spotlight from _every_ character, being pretentious and upstaging the Oracle's all-knowing ability, 'planning' to shapeshift into a dragon/phoenix, being more powerful than the One, therefore becoming the One, turning Smith into a _human_, oh no, wait, I'm sorry, I mean _half-human_, majorlly pissing off the PPC agents, and- last and worst of all - _deleting_ Trinity."

The Sue blinked. Since Sues have such a short attention span, she responded to the last charge. "Trinity who?" 

Obsidian's eye started to twitch - literally. She rushed up to the Sue as quickly as she could (abusing some of her ability to bend the Matrix's rules) and punched her in the face before she could say anything else. The Sue fell unconscious instantly (the one instance in the fic where there was a cause for passing out), and Obsidian slung her body over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes without a second thought.

"Shall we be off?" she said lightly.

Her partner didn't respond, her eyes fixated on Smith.

Agent Smith looked confused for a moment- as confused as a machine could, anyway- and then snapped into character, body straightening, correcting his tie...and giving the two PPC agents a sharp look. Achren, in the meantime, was looking him up and down. She wondered if she could terrorize Makes-Things into installing X-ray vision into a pair of sunglasses. Though, it wasn't his bones she was interested in seeing...

As Achren gave Smith the once-over, Obsidian began to back away cautiously from him, especially as he became more aware of them. She began to officially panic when she saw him reaching for his gun.

_We're dressed as rebels and we're standing next to Neo...he's going to think we're rebels!_ Obsidian realized.

"Come over here already! What're you staring like that? We have work to do!" She hissed at her partner, trying to snap her out of her reverie.

Achren ignored her completely. "He's so beautiful..." she said dreamily.

"He's about to _kill_ us!"

Luckily for them, the canon has finally reasserted itself- both Smith and Neo (who had been staring bemusedly for the past few minutes) vanished into their proper places in the canon. Achren sighed.

"Thank the Powers that Be," Obsidian said, relieved that they wouldn't have to experience running away from an angry Agent. "Now then. If we're going to kill her in the Nebuchadnezzar, we better get going. Sues tend to have strong constitutions and wake up faster than others."

Achren pulled out the Remote Activator and fiddled with it a bit. "The end of Reloaded, the abandoned Nebuchadnezzar...coming up." 

The Agents portalled into the abandoned control room. The room was abandoned- the Rebels have already left, fleeing from the Sentinel attack. The monitors and alarms were blaring. 

Achren looked around "D'you see a rope, some wire, somewhere?" 

Obsidian scanned the room and spotted some wire sticking out of a wall. After using her overcoat for insulation (in case it was still live), she pulled out a decent amount, grinning."Here we are. Let's tie up the sucker."

"With pleasure". The two agents dumped Shadow on one of the chairs, and twisted the wire around her arms and legs, securing her. They didn't bother making it comfortable, or even too complicated- it didn't have to hold for long, after all. 

Shadow, the Sue, started to stir just as they were affixing the last tendril of wire, and began to twist around, screaming. Obsidian stopped her short by stuffing some of the Sue's own shirt in her mouth, and placed her sunglasses over the girl's eyes. "Now you're all set. We should be leaving," she said to Achren, "if I remember Reloaded correctly, we only have another fifteen seconds."

"Let's go, then. Bye-bye, little Sue!" 

The Agents portalled out into the sewers- outside of the blast radius, close enough to see Neo and the others running away from the ship. Less then five seconds after their appearance outside of the ship, the Tow Bomb the machines had been preparing was propelled into the ship, creating a massive explosion that no one could have survived.

Achren looked after them. "Shall we watch them a bit? A little canon is always good- and we can make sure Trinity re-appears". 

Obsidian nodded, watching Neo. Sure enough, Trinity phased back into existence a few feet away from him, and the two Agents were treated to the last few minutes of the scene, complete with Neo mysteriously passing out again.

"Somehow, that seems very ironic," Obsidian thought out loud, glancing over at the burning wreckage of the Neb. Some things were a little too familiar for her.

"Yes...then again, we will probably receive an explanation once the 3rd movie comes out and the canon will be completed." Achren grinned. "Come here". She opened a portal, and the Agent reappeared near the burning wreckage of the Neb. "Did you bring the marshmellows?" 

Obsidian pulled out a small bag from somewhere in her trenchcoat pocket that had managed to survive the mayhem, smiling. She handed the bag to her partner and scanned the ground for two pieces of the wreck that would be suitable as sticks. Eventually, she presented Achren with what appeared to have once been a thin piece of the Neb's hull.

"Not bad". The agents roasted their marshmellows, for once not bickering, and ate in silence, enjoying the heat. Or at least, Obsidian enjoyed the heat. 

After a while, Achren sighed, and got up from the rock she sat on "Come on. Back to HQ?" 

"Sure. It's never going to end, is it?" she replied with a sigh, shaking her head.

"Nope. Well, I suppose we'll just have to be creatively cruel". The Agents exchanged a look." My, my. Won't that be hard, eh?" 

"Nah. Cruelty is in my character description."

"Literally." Achren opened the portal, and they stepped back into their response center. Achren took a deep breath of the cold air- she had 'accidently' forgotten to turn off the air-conditioning before they left. She tossed a look in Obsidian's direction. 

Obsidian clenched her fists, already feeling the cold seeping through her clothing and chilling her to the bone. She glared at Achren and then headed straight for the thermostat.

"I'm putting the heat up whether you like it or not!" she warned. 

Achren opened her mouth furiously- 

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!] 

"Bloody Hell!" 

"Coliss!"

And so the cycle continued. 

----------

Well, that was satisfying. Reviews, constructive criticism and targets are greatly appreciated. 

Bye! 


	3. A Whole New World

**Disclaimer**: The Matrix Trilogy and all canon characters belongs to the Wachowki brothers. The PPC and Upstairs were started by Jay and Acacia, and currently are in the keeping of Philosopher at Large and Miss Cam. The D.O.R.K.S. device belongs to Saphie ans Andy, authors of 'Suedom'. OFUM and the Mini-Balrogs belong to Miss Cam, and Miss Cam belongs to herself- may God and a thermonuclear device help anyone who tries to take her away. The PPC General Store belongs to Leto Haven, and that sweetheart also doesn't belong to us, sadly. 

The fic we're PPCing isn't ours either, and we don't want it. 

We make no money out of this, we make no claim to any of those people or their creations, and people- keep in mind: it's all in good fun. 

* * *

[BEEEEEEEPPP!]

The Agents turned to glare at the computer, which kept on beeping. Giving up, Achren marched over to see what travesty had been reported this time.

"It never fails, you get back, and there's yet another fic to mash," Obsidian sighed, rubbing her face with her hands while Achren checked out the situation, "so what do we have now?"

Achren spoke slowly and deliberately, each word carefully and almost mechanically pronounced. "We have a crossover." She sounded like she couldn't believe her eyes.

"What...kind of crossover exactly?" Obsidian didn't like the sound of Achren's tone. Please let it not be what she was scared of hearing, please let it not be that impossible fusion of fantasy and sci-fi...

"Matrix...and Lord of the Rings. Do we even have jurisdiction? Shouldn't it go to the Implausible Crossover Department?" She snorted suddenly. "Then again, the poor devils were buried in godawful HP/LotR crossovers up to their eyebrows, last I heard". 

Obsidian facepalmed. The last LotR/Matrix crossover she had even bothered to glance at had been a nightmare of bad characterization and implausible mixes. Legolas had found himself in the Matrix, scared of a donkey stuffy. "I think we better take care of this one before it gets any more out of hand, especially with Smith and Elrond mixing."

Achren checked the display. "They don't, as far as I can see- Morpheus, Neo, Trinity and the Sue meet up with the Fellowship after Moria. Thank The Powers That Be for little mercies." She froze suddenly. Then she blinked- several times. "The Matrix is a movie, according to that character. She watched it. So is Lord of the Rings."

"How the hell can that be explained?" Obsidian asked rhetorically, knowing that it was a stupid question anyways. Sometimes, some things just didn't make any sense, "But I guess it gives the Sue a reason to know everything and everyone. Does that not strike her as a dumb move?"

"It turns out that she lives inside the Matrix- and that people inside the Matrix made a movie about the Matrix. Where's the sense in that? And yes, she knows all, and makes a few bad jokes about it- she's so superior to Neo, she doesn't need to be told everything." Achren's fists bunched. "And she's a nurse- that somehow, in the course of a chapter, turns into a doctor. I kill her. You can have her friend," She looked at the fic and smiled humorlessly. "She gets killed by an agent- they never say which agent".

"It doesn't say specifically that the friend dies at the hand of the Agents?" Obsidian asked, pointing at a particular section of the display.

"Not exactly- the Agent shot at them. 'Michelle' goes down- but it never says who hit her," Achren smirked,"You're an acceptable sniper, aren't you?"

"I'm not Ghost, but I'm good enough. I'll bring a Sniper Rifle with us. So, Agents, Rebels, or Innocent Bystanders?"

Achren checked the display and gritted her teeth. "The formatting's dreadful- scene shifts like hell. And we can't follow into their apartment...We'll start in their so-called medical school, see the Sue hug her car- hey, we might as well enjoy ourselves- then decide where to go next. So innocent bystander, for now- don't forget your D.O.R.K."

Grabbing the device off the nearby table where it had been deposited, Obsidian pushed a few buttons on it and nodded, grabbing the rifle. A few minutes of work, and the long rifle was dismantled and placed in a comfortable bookbag. That was one advantage of working in the Matrix fandom- their weapons were topnotch. She strode over to the Portal Generator and activated it hesitantly. "Well, let's get this over with."

"Yes, let's just do it. I want to sleep a little," Achren answered as she marched through the portal. 

The Agents found themselves in an undescribed classroom. There was a professor lecturing and a suggestion of students- but oddly enough, the only distinct character was the Sue herself. No other student or person but the Sue and her lecturer were described.

That was only the beginning of it. It was almost impossible to follow what was going on, for not only was most of the world indistinct and nondescript, because it had been written into a single, endless paragraph, there was no sense of time. The professor kept droning on without any pause breaks - not even to breathe. It made Obsidian's head spin.

Achren massaged her temples. The lack of paragraphs pressed down on them like an oppressive, physical force- it was giving her a headache. "Not only is she wrong about when you study this stuff- pressure points and bleeding emergencies are studied in first year in nursing- but I've never seen anyone lifting her ARM up with the tape recorder so she could sleep through the rest of class. And I've yet to meet a professor who didn't at least comment on a student falling asleep in class. I mean, they don't care much, but they usually comment- or joke about it."

Obsidian was about to answer when an unparagraphed scene transition marker temporarily overwhelmed the setting. Next thing she knew, the Sue - Amy, was talking with her friend, Michelle, again with no interruptions or new lines.

"This...is painful. 'Mangling the English language and basic rules of grammar' is going on the charge list."

"So are 'rampant scene-shifts' and 'an inability to describe a scene'. And 'giving the PPC agents a headache'." They watched as Michelle knocked Amy's head on. "That...was odd. And ye gods, what a poor attempt at a "witty" conversation."

With her short attention span, Achren's partner quickly became bored of the 'conversation' between Amy and Michelle, and scanned the Words to see when things started to pick up. "Is it just me, or is there nothing even vaguely relating to the Matrix for at least a chapter?"

"No. And we can't follow them to see their first contact- they'll notice us in their apartment- so we'll need to portal straight into Chapter 3- where Michelle dies, courtesy of you, and then Amy gets taken by the rebels. So lets go see her and her friend off- then portal ahead."

The scene shifted- suddenly and badly. 

They were in the under-described parking lot. 

In fact, the only things that were discernible in the lot were the Sues, themselves, and a black sedan, which Amy promptly hugged.

"I see this chapter is called 'Normal Life'. We GET IT. Let's move on," Obsidian remarked. She was getting more and more irritated with the pointless scenes that were causing them far too much pain than they were worth. Her only consolation was that it wasn't cold.

Achren's consolation was watching the 'Sue's arms lengthen and embrace the car. Bad formatting was good for something- it was amusing, occasionally.

While the Sue's were nattering on (still without paragraph breaks) Achren pulled out the remote activator and opened a portal. "Come on."

"With pleasure," Obsidian answered, following her partner through the portal. They reappeared much further into the story, although not too far in terms of plot. The action had only just begun.

They were outside on the Chicago streets at night, in an alley. Working quickly, they put the sniper rifle together. Obsidian hoisted it onto her shoulder and sighted down the barrel as the Sues appeared- Amy and Michelle were running from their apartment, away from an Agent. Obsidian noted a hint of disappointment in Achren's face when she saw that it wasn't Smith. Achren noticed the look and pulled herself together.

"An unspecified agent. Yay. Well, at least she's not abusing Smith- some small consolation. I guess. "

In the meantime, the two girls scampered away, Amy clutching the cell phone in one hand and talking into it (presumably, as she ran).

"My name is Neo."

"I'm not sure I heard ya right. Did you say Neo?" 

Michelle looked sharply at Amy at these words.

"As in the Matrix movie Keanu Reeves Matrix."

"Yes." Neo replied to Amy's question.

Obsidian rolled her eyes. Riiiiiiiight. "Do you think we can examine Neo's character, even though he's not technically here?" she said.

Achren stared at the Sues. "That was beyond dumb." She shook herself. "Wait a bit- he'll show up soon enough." Achren smirked, suddenly happier "Get ready to fire, m'dear. Not long now." 

Nodding, Obsidian looked through the sights, targeting Michelle.

"Wait...Shouldn't we charge her first?" Obsidian asked, remembering the procedure they were supposed to follow; she heard unpleasant stories about what Upstairs did to agents who didn't follow the rules.

Achren shrugged. "She's a secondary Sue- she was written for the sole reason of dying- an angst plot device. But if you insist..." She turned to look at the running figures, and though there was no way they could've heard her, charged their target by pointing her finger at her.

"Michelle, you are hereby charged in being a Sue, being a ditz, being a doomed plot device, and helping the primary Sue in her crimes of Mangling the English language and basic rules of grammar, rampant scene-shifts, an inability to describe a scene, and giving the PPC agents a headache. Plus, you know nothing about being a security guard." She looked at Obsidian. "There. Fire away."

Obsidian grinned. It was true, after all: no one said that the Sue had to hear the charges. She aimed as best she could for Michelle's head, and fired. The bullet whizzed through the air, striking her on the neck. A little off target, but close enough.

The Agent now took out his gun and started to fire at them. 

"Crap, Michelle please run faster!"

Amy then realized she was talking to air. 

Michelle had been hit.

Obsidian gave a sharp smile. "I love it when the death fits so perfectly into canon."

"Yes. A sort of a happy warm feeling, eh?" They watched in mounting irritation as Amy, in typical my-best-friend-is-dead-and-I-don't-care-anymore fashion, turned around to face the Agent. Why this shocked him, when he was much faster then her and apparently holding a gun- was a mystery. She shot him between the eyes, and he fell back. 

"And to think we haven't even gotten to the crossover part of this piece yet," Obsidian noted, frowning. When someone who wasn't Neo- heck, wasn't even a rebel- managed to kill an Agent so easily, it annoyed her to no end. Coupled with the fact that she probably knew everything about Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus because the movie was real, this was going to be one obnoxious little brat to deal with.

"Just wait," Achren said. "What's the betting she'll end up with Legolas?" 

"Is that a rhetorical question? You don't even have to bet. We already know she will, unless she turns out to be an Neo, Aragorn or Haldir fan." Looking at the Words, she sighed and shook her head. "She's going to be crying for half an hour. I'm going to clean my gun while I'm waiting."

A thought bubble appeared above Amy's head:

**Oh gawd, she's not moving! **

Achren raised an eyebrow. "She even _thinks_ in bad spelling? That's scary." She shook her head, bored already from watching the Sue mourn. "I'll dismantle the rifle in the meantime". 

Obsidian winced at the word 'gawd' and passed the rifle over to Achren. "You have no idea how disturbing seeing that word is."

Eventually, Achren finished packing the gun away, and Neo appeared out of nowhere to console Amy, who aimed her gun at him.

Achren snorted. "Typical Rebellious!Sue. Can't they even try to be original?" She turned to Obsidian "How OOC is he?"

Obsidian furrowed her brow and put on a pair of sunglasses, using the Character Analysis Device embedded in them to check his personality.

[Neo. Canon Character. The One. 32% Out of Character.]

"He's manageable right now, but I think that's only because his characterization is so...bla," she answered, for lack of a better way to put it.

Achren gave her an amused look (that on other circumstances would've led to quite a row) "You are so very eloquent, my dear." Obsidian bristled, but before she could retort (and really start a row), a black slick car pulled up next to Neo and the Sue. They entered it, and drove off.

"So," Obsidian said to her partner as the car pulled away from the sidewalk and sped off, "now she's off to take her red pill and be unplugged. I think our next stop is the merry old Nebuchadnezzar."

"And her little chat with Morpheus. Poor sod."

The Agents pulled out their D.O.R.K.S. and fiddled with them for a moment, before opening a portal to the Neb, into the Sue's room. Amy was sitting on her cot in a cabin on the Neb, swinging her legs around inattentively while Morpheus spoke to her, thus fulfilling the obligation of exactly imitating Neo's unplugging right down to who unplugs her and who is the first to speak to her after she's rebuilt.

"It's weird waking up to a new place," Amy said in wonder, "Not even knowing where you are. Question."

"Yes?"

"This ship is called the Nebuchadnezzar right?" 

"Ah...and now, while she knows all about the movie, she forgets the ship's name. Selective memory?" Achren mused rhetorically, tilting her head to the side as she regarded the Sue as if she were a small but slightly cute insect.

"She's just showing off how she knows everything, little punk," Obsidian answered, fiddling with her D.O.R.K.-created rebel sweater. So cold...it was so cold...but creating a thicker one would be uncanonical…

Achren rolled her eyes at her partner. After spending so much time together hunting down Mary Sues, she had learned enough about Obsidian to know what she was thinking.

"Will you please relax?" Achren asked her, "no one can see us. Well, besides her, and she doesn't count since she's not paying attention. Just download a snowsuit or something already! Honestly, I sometimes think you enjoy being in misery and worrying for no reason."

"Riiiight. Whatever you say. I'm not about to get in trouble for breaching canon." Meanwhile, Caduceus (formerly Amy) had undergone all of her training in hand-to-hand combat as well as learned all the medical knowledge ever, thus making her a new doctor without the hassle of actual training or experience.

Obsidian let her eyes wander along the words, past the quick scene changes that dealt quickly with pretty much everything covered in the first movie, from the food to the Jump Program.

Meanwhile, Achren was fuming. "That arrogant pointless bint. First she can't decide if she's a nurse or a doctor, then she becomes a deus-ex-machina expert! Bloody freakin' hell... Add 'Thinking that theoretical information, however extensive, can be as useful as actual first-hand-experience, thus proving incredible stupidity' to the charge list."

Obsidian was about to reply as the world suddenly started to slow down around them like someone had slowed down the frame rate on a movie reel. They heard a low rumble, that seemed to come from everywhere. And then... 

**Okay here's the deal. I am only in high school and I will undergo the torture every teenager has to endure in my school.**

The author's voice boomed. Literally. 

"What the fuck? An **author's note**?" Obsidian shouted, although it was nearly impossible to be heard over the universe-wide announcement that nobody cared about. She stomped her feet and shook her fist at the ceiling as everything in the Nebuchadnezzar froze to accommodate the voice.

"Author. Notes. Are. Not. Chapters!"

"Pipe down and cover your ears! Bitch about it once it's over! You'll go deaf if you keep that up!" Achren shouted back, from where she was crouching on the floor, hands over her ears. Paying them no heed, the Voice Of The Author continued. 

**Finals.**** So I won't be on for a week or so because I have to study and I want to pass this grade. I hate reading these things and the fact I'm putting up something I hate, I am currently despising. So enjoy the chapters I have up for now. Ta TA**

There was a second of quiet. 

The agents cautiously took their hands off their ears, glancing around warily. And since the universe has a nasty sense of humor...

**Sam**

After flinching back into a fetal position, Obsidian lifted her hands from her re-covered ears briefly to test the waters, and then figured it was safe to start talking again when everything began to move and the hum of the Neb's engines returned from static.

"Okay. Let's move along and watch the continuation of her "training."

But it wasn't over yet. The last of the author's tirade knocked both of them to the floor.

**I forgot to add this to the beginning of the story and so I'm adding it now, though it may be a little late... I don't own a single one of the characters that belong to the Matrix movies and the Wachowski brothers...Amy, and Michlle are mine...just thought you'd like to know...**

Achren lifted her head. "Add 'whining in the middle of the story' to the charges. And "forgetting the damned disclaimer."

"Done."

The two Agents continued to watch, waiting for the next day to come and for the 'training' to continue. They spent the night (at least for the first hour or two) taking notes on how badly the universe had been mangled by the bad formatting of the fic, but they soon gave up. There were far too many examples to keep track of, and they kept changing every now and then.

Everything in the continuum seemed a little off at the very least. Machines in the core deck appeared to be built according to impossible specifications. The floors and walls were squeaky-clean, and the canon characters were mere hazy afterimages of their former selves when they were not in proximity to Caduceus, losing all their distinct physical features.

When they had grown tired of nitpicking the inconsistencies of the universe, the two PPC Agents played a brief bout of "Eye Spy," but it was just too difficult to play since everything was nondescript and uniform.

"Eye spy with my little eye...something green," Achren said after glancing around for an object to focus on. Her partner made a flippant noise and stared at the ceiling, annoyed.

"If we're going to play, can you choose something a little more difficult? There's only one thing on the Nebuchadnezzar that's green, and it's the Matrix code scrolling down the monitors over there," she answered, pointing at the operation station. Achren shook her head and pointed in a completely different direction.

"Actually, I meant the pile of dirty socks over there," she replied. Sure enough, there was a small pile of fluorescent green socks sitting in one corner of the room.

"Aaah...not another glitch. This is getting really worrisome," Obsidian said.

"Well, no time to note it now. Here comes the Sue," Achren warned.

"How can you tell?"

"The world is coming back into focus. I can actually see the pores on Morpheus' face now."

"Oh."

"Salut!" Caduceus said as she came in.

Everybody but Neo was there.

"What's with the French?" Morpheus asked. 

She shrugged, "Just stuck in my head from learning it for so long."

Naturally, Obsidian's eye began to develop a very unhealthy twitching motion, which she stopped short by pressing the back of her hand to the afflicted eye.

"Let's see her say something complicated, like 'quand je serais un adulte, je ne serais plus UN retard mentale!'" she spat, shaking her head. "Knowing one or two words and a phrase is not knowing a language. I mean, wow! I can say 'konichiwa' and 'mushi mushi'! I must be able to speak Japanese!"

Achren patted her on the back. "There there. Here, drink this." She handed her a bottle of Bleepto-Dismal. "And not a word to Upstairs. We're supposed to be out of this. Good thing Leto's such a softy."

Obsidian stared in amazement at the bottle Achren produced. It was as if she had just been shown the Holy Grail. "Is that Bleepto? Oh, how I missed its mind-numbing effects. Remind me to deify Leto when we get back, will ya?" she said to Achren thankfully, taking a small swig of the potion. She could feel her pounding headache ebb away as the fast-acting solution began to take effect.

The drink did help relieve the pain of watching the Sue learn how to fight- but sadly, it had already worn off by the next day, when they stood on the frozen bridge and watched the Sue hit Morpheus inside the training program and then learn to jump building after only a few tries. 

And then came the kicker on the nightshift.

Achren and Obsidian helped themselves inconspicuously to the food they had brought along with them (having half a mind not to eat the Tasty Wheat slop) after watching Caduceus make her jump, and were eating in silence, watching Neo (who looked just as bored as them with surveying the Matrix.) And along came Caduceus, the world rippling back into detail as she entered the room.

"Bonjour!" she said cheerfully, making Obsidian's forehead crease into a distinctive wrinkle of annoyance. She said nothing, letting it slide while she mentally reminded herself that, at the very least, this girl had not made the first jump. No one really knew how many tries it had taken Neo anyway.

"When you said that almost everything was like the movie, what was different?"

"Well Trinity and I aren't an item, Trinity likes guns more than in the movie, and the oracle is more cryptic than the movie let on."

"Fun!"

Obsidian nearly choked on her half-eaten candy bar. "Neo's the One without the cumbersome baggage of being taken by another woman as well. How...convenient for her...."

"Indeed. Do you think I could borrow Gimli's ax? I'll clean it up afterwards..." Achren wondered aloud.

Achren's partner chuckled in delight at the suggestion. "Somehow, I don't think he will mind a bit, considering he'll probably be lucid. He usually is in Sue-ridden stories since they pretty much ignore him. Why don't we ask him when the time comes?"

"Yes. Gotta love the dwarf. Wonder who'll be the sexist bastard...usually it's either Gimli or Boromir." Her face brightened up suddenly. "We could take the Horn of Gondor and blow out her eardrums!" She frowned at the Sues back. "She nearly ruined ours."

"I like the sound of that too. But we might attract orcs or Tolkien Sues trying to locate the Fellowship, so let's be careful with it."

Onwards and sideways went the intrepid pair into the next chapter. On today's menu: The Oracle.

"You know what I realized I hate most about this particular fanfiction?" Obsidian said, gesturing around, "it's so plain. 'And then she made the jump and had dinner.' 'And then Neo beat all of the Smiths and was happy.' Like that. It's like everyone's a cardboard cutout. Hell, they're so out of character that they probably are cutouts."

Achren glanced at the words and ground her teeth. "Just wait. Let's skip ahead in a portal to where they enter the Matrix- I'm not waiting for the bint to finish her thoughts and get moving. Activate the character analysis device- and focus on Trinity when we get there." 

The agents portalled into a nondescript room, which had nothing but a phone apparently held in mid-air- not describing the environment could lead to interesting results indeed. A short press of a D.O.R.K. later, and they were leather-clad rebels- just like the four people who suddenly appeared in the room.

"Do I dare analyze her non-character?" Obsidian mused, blinking in the proper way to activate her sunglasses' Character Analysis Device.

[Trinity. Canon Character. First Mate of the Nebuchadnezzar. 98% Out of character. She makes the explosions that makes the peoples fall down.]

"If we don't do something fast, I think everyone will be in for some serious therapy. Especially her," she added, frowning.

"I'll say."

The agents stared in disbelief as Trinity shot a bum who watched them arrive. To further their amazement, she shot him in the throat, making it a slow death.

"Can't scream with a bullet lodged in your throat now can ya?" Trinity asked the now twitching form of the hygiene impaired squeegee technician.

"All right, I'll bite," Achren commented, "'Hygiene Impaired?' What's wrong with 'dirty'? Or 'filthy'? Give it up with the political correctness already! And what's a squeegee technician?" She paused for a second, then added, "And how OOC is she?"

"She's 98% and rising faster than a boiling kettle. And to answer your question, I think she means the homeless person squeegees car windows at intersections for money. But you know what else is odd? I didn't hear the man scream. Neo just asked who was screaming and then it started," Obsidian answered, fiddling with the sides of her sunglasses.

"Shoddy descriptions". 

The Agents watched as Trinity shrugged off her killing the bum, and followed the Canons and the Sue outside- after a short pause in which the Sue stopped and admired her phone. Achren couldn't help herself. "Sure, they're at war, hunted and always in danger, but she'll delay them so that she can admire a bloody phone. Priorities, much?"

Obsidian snorted at the joke. "You want to know about priorities? They go have ice cream. And then get whisked away to Arda by a 'mysterious' light."

"Forget I asked." She glanced at the words and shuddered. "Great goddess on a pogo stick. Look, I'm not sitting through another Oracle character assassination. Let's go get ice cream ourselves, and meet them afterwards. We'll go with them to Arda, and then kill her and get the canons back on track. Good?"

"I like. Let's go to Ben and Jerry's."

"Good."

There were quite a few advantages to working in the Matrix Fandom. One of them was that they were able to eat all the junkfood they wanted and not gain any weight. After all, it was all in your mind.

They wandered along the streets and, using Obsidian's vague memory of the Matrix's Chicago, located a Ben and Jerry's and ordered ice cream. It was almost ridiculous to look at: two leather-clad women eating away at sugar cones, but it was worth it to sample the sugar: you didn't get this sort of thing at PPC headquarters. The ice cream you got there was in gray, toxic pink, or, if you were really unlucky, urple. Luckily, the canon protected them, so no one gave the two leather-clad, heavily armed women funny looks. Even with Obsidian's katana strapped to her back, the hilt poking over her shoulder.

"You have ice-cream on your fingers. What flavor is it, anyway? First time I see blue ice-cream."

Obsidian lifted her fingers and quite inappropriately stuck them in her mouth to suck off the dribbling ice cream, averting her eyes. "It's blueberry-chocolate swirl. Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering. And another thing: you hate the cold so much- you certainly whine enough- and yet you are absolutely in love with all kinds of ice cream. Isn't that a bit of a contradiction?" She handed over a napkin. 

Obsidian took the napkin and wiped her mouth quickly, shaking her head. "No, because in order to eat ice cream, it has to be nice and hot outside. That's what so great about it!" she answered between mouthfuls, "and I'm going to miss it. The ice cream at Headquarters sucks more than a black hole sucks in space."

"True enough." Achren glanced to the side. "Did you eat a lot of ice-cream? In you life inside the fan-fiction, I mean. If you got used to it. And do you miss it?"

"I....I used to. Before I was unplugged. Things changed a lot in the Real World. I guess it's one of those things I never stopped missing...but then again, even my life in the Real World wasn't canon, so I sometimes wonder if I had ever even tasted it..." she trailed off and was silent, before resuming an appearance of indifference. "How about you? Why are you such a fan of the cold?"

Achren shrugged. "I get hot easily, and I don't like sweating. Makes me feel dirty." 

The Agents stared at each other for a second, not speaking. Their backgrounds weren't an everyday topic. Achren shook her head suddenly, sharply. "Well, my dear, I believe we've filled our quota of the 'touchy-feely' conversation, so to say. I daresay it is obligatory, but now we're well past it." She got to her feet. "I'll go pay, finish your cone- then let's go kill a Sue." She started to move away, then stopped. Without turning to face Obsidian, she added, "And we're getting a fridge, and some normal food. The cafeteria in headquarters will give me an ulcer." 

Obsidian was slightly taken aback, a little irked that Achren had abruptly changed the subject. "Good. We'll buy it after this mission," she said curtly, before returning her attention to the task at hand. "Anyways. Lookie at twelve o'clock: crashing car containing Sue and canon, heading towards a mysterious group of trees!"

Achren turned away from the clerk, who was standing there holding some bills with no clear memory of how they got there. Her smile was unpleasant, although the reason for it was open for debate. "Good. Let's join the chase- it's our ride to Middle Earth." 

They quickly tossed their ice cream wrappers and leftover bits of uneaten food onto the ground and made a sprint for the Neo and co. as Agents approached them, guns blazing.

They joined the canons and the Sue as they were running through the slightly diseased trees. Both of them kept an eye out for the Sue, who was grazed by a bullet and developed a thought bubble. It read **Oweez**. Achren nearly stumbled. "Cripes. How much of a teenybopper can you become?"

"Apparently, not much more of one," Obsidian responded, huffing. "Get ready, here comes the transition!"

The light had grown dimmer through the thick canopy of the trees. Then all of a sudden the light grew so that it was almost blinding and then a phone began to ring. The Agents stumbled forward and crashed to the stone floor of the caves of Moria. It was fuzzy from lack of description- all they saw were the fellowship: Gandalf hung at the end of the broken bridge, and shouted "Fly, you fools"- and then, just according to canon, fell.

"Gandalf!" That was Frodo, held back from running over as Gandalf fell- by...not Boromir, but a large, fiery, familiar looking demon. Achren squinted at it.

"A mini-balrog? Oh joy. What's his name?" She glanced at the words, and spluttered. "Boomer? BOOMER!?!?"

"What?!" Her partner had to blink several times in order to realize what she was staring at: a Mini-Balrog! "I thought it was just a poem that everyone in the Tolkien division recited! They're real?!"

"Of course they're real! We need to take this one with us- we'll take him to headquarters and transfer him to OFUM. Cripes, what a mess... "

"Dang, that doesn't look like it's going to be easy," Obsidian remarked, looking at the Boromir replacement before doing a double take at 'Aragorn'.

"Uh....Achren? I think there's two of them. Aragorn...or should I say 'Aragon' is over there…"

"We must obey his last command." Aragon, the mini-balrog, said in a wheezy voice as it ushered the hobbits outside to the first light they have seen for many days.

"What 'many days'? They've been in Moria what, 3 days?" 

Obsidian shrugged. "Apparently, that is many. I don't think it's that bad of a line, but anyways. They'll be meeting the gang of rebels-" there were a few noises as everyone in the fellowship stopped and drew their weapons, "-right about now."

The Agents moved toward the Fellowship and the Rebels, and were privileged to see the real Boromir and Aragorn pop back into existence. The mini-balrogs came loping toward the agents- being uncanon themselves, they sensed the agents, and registered them as kindred spirits of a sort- neither the PPC nor the minis were overly fond of canon altering Sues.

"Do you serve the dark lord of Mordor or are you enemies." Legolas 'asked' the stranger.

Achren rolled her eyes. "Double negative. Did that sentence make any sense at all? Do you serve him, OR are you enemies?" 

The single line spoken by the elf was enough for Obsidian. "Okay, that's enough mucking around in experimental continuum surgery. I'll charge her, you kill her," Obsidian said curtly, grabbing the paper she had jotted down most of the charges on.

Achren grinned suddenly. Quite viciously. "Charge away, my pet." She strode over in Gimli's direction.

"Amy...Caduceus! You are hereby charged with...Being a Mary Sue, creating an Implausible crossover between fantasy and sci-fi, mangling the English language and basic rules of grammar, mangling the professions of Medicine- a Nurse doesn't suddenly turn into a doctor, and they don't study together. Not knowing anything about the training of security guards, rampant scene-shifts, and an inability to describe a scene. Plus, rendering everyone out of character, justifying canonical changes and canonical knowledge via deus ex machina, inserting an Author's note as a chapter, forgetting the damned disclaimer...and misspelling the names of Aragorn, son of Arathorn lord of the Dunedain and King of Gondor, and Boromir, son of Denethor, who is the Steward of Gondor. If you have anything to say about this, make it quick, because I want my fridge damnit!"

The Sue blinked at her. "Hein?" (Thus showing that Sues just don't let up. They know a handful of words in French, and they speak it instinctively).

Achren hefted the axe she took from Gimli's unresisting hand. She smiled at the Sue. "Au revoir, silly Sue." She swung the axe. There was a short pause, in which the Sue's body and head dropped to the ground- separately- and the canon characters shook their heads, beginning to snap out of their Sue-induced condition. Achren crouched near the Sue. "Neurolize them- then we'll portal away with the minis and the Matrix canons. I'll deal with the corpse."

Without bothering to answer, Obsidian yanked out a neurolizer from the Men In Black continuum, adjusted the settings, and then pointed it at the canon characters of both worlds while Achren shoved the Sue's body and the minis out of the way.

"Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, see ya Trixside. My dear Halflings, my beautiful dwarf and Lords of Men and Elves, it was a pleasure meeting you. But now we've never met. Namarie!"

Closing her eyes just to be safe, she hit the flash and a bright light filled their eyes, wiping the memory of their encounters with Caduceus and each other.

Achren stuffed the body into a nylon bag, and patted Boomer's head. "Don't worry, deary, you'll get her...literally." She straightened up, slinging the bag over her shoulder. "Bloody heavy, this one." She grinned at the Minis. "Lucky you." Before Obsidian could ask what she meant, Achren pulled out the portal generator, and opened a portal to the PPC headquarters. 

The Agents walked out into their response center, pulling the dazed canons with them: Achren was dragging Neo, clutching his arm with one hand, the bag on her shoulder with the other, Obsidian was leading Morpheus (quite happily, though she'd later deny she'd been stroking his arm), and Aragon was being useful and pulled Trinity along (the poor thing felt that neither agent much cared for his namesake, and was trying to compensate). 

Achren dumped the bag to the floor. "Take them to the Department of Medicine - the minis will help you. Then come back here with them. I'll deal with the corpse."

"Can do. If you guys will follow me…" she said to the Matrix canon cast, beckoning towards the door. While they were still confused and dazed, their vague remembrance of Obsidian seemed to be enough to convince them to follow her, which they did after exchanging looks. She let the three rebels walk out into the hallway, not-too subtly passing a glance in Morpheus' direction, before closing the door behind her, marching ahead of them to the Medicine Department (where they healed characters and agents from damage sustained from Sues, Avatars and possession. Some characters practically lived there now- Boromir, Thranduil, Legolas, Harry Potter and Raistlin among them).

Achren considered; the Sue's corpse could wait a few more moments. She grabbed her portal generator, and jumped back into the Matrix fandom. There will be hell to pay if Upstairs heard of the unauthorized trip into canon, but really now; if the flowers did their jobs and furnished them like they needed, they wouldn't jump between worlds. Buying the fridge took less then five minutes, buying the ice cream even less. And getting two guys to carry the loaded fridge into an out-of-the-way alley is very easy for a woman clad in skintight leather. From there it was a quick portalling into the response center, and she was left with only one problem: the Sue. 

"Well...the simplest solution works best, I guess." She took the flamethrower that stood near the door (in hopes one day they'll be allowed to take it to missions again; sadly, PPC agents could no longer take such weapons into canon, since that unfortunate accident which burned up a sizable part of Yavin in the Star Wars continuum), and dragged the corpse into the fireproof room just down the hall (you could find EVERY room in headquarters, if you cared to look).

* * *

"Doctor Fitzgerald, are you there?" Obsidian called into the Psychology Office. When no answer came, she shuffled the three Matrix characters (somewhat forcefully) into the room and made them sit down in some comfy sofa chairs while she tried to find someone to attend to them.

"Hey, come here!" she yelled, "I've got canon characters that need treatment!"

"What? What's all this?" someone answered from behind a desk. Obsidian strode over to the desk where the voice was coming from, and came across the good doctor, who was so absorbed in organizing his notes on Anakin Skywalker he was completely oblivious. Obsidian pointed at the Nebuchadnezzar crew behind her exasperatedly.

"Matrix characters need rehabilitation. Sue mucked up their characters really badly. Can you _please_ take care of them before they snap back and start to think they're in the Matrix and try to fight?"

The doctor squeaked to attention, seeing the logic in this. "Well, when you put it that way, I'll get started right now!" he replied, smoothing over his white lab coat and walking over to the Neb crew.

" Ah. Trinity, pleasure to meet you. If you'll come this way, we'll sort you out in no time…"

Obsidian sighed and headed for the door. "Thank you. Yeesh."

Obsidian and the minis arrived at the door of the response center just as Achren was returning, dragging a foul-smelling bag behind her. Obsidian wrinkled her nose. "What is this?"

Achren kicked the bag lightly and waved over the two minis "That is your Sue. Eat up- all of her- and then you can come in." She turned and walked into the room, calling over her shoulder, "Well? We have ice cream. Or are you planning to stand there all day?" 

"Ice cream? Sweet!" Obsidian practically ran into the room.

Eventually, things settled down a bit: the agents gorged themselves on copious amounts of ice cream, the minis enjoyed their meal and were then comfortably settled in OFUM, and all was well. Until the next mission, that is. 

The End?

* * *

Notes:

1. The Poem is: 

"Every name spelled wrong in _Rings_,   
a MiniBalrog gets its 'wings' "

It belongs to Philosopher at Large, an (amazing) author and an accomplice of Miss Cam and the PPC. Go read her stories!

2. References to 8-bit Theatre (I casts the spells that makes the peoples fall down!) are intentional.


End file.
